The hardest leadership work may not be changing someone else. It may be asking, "What is mine to own?"
Image of Dave Dravecky courtesy of Premier Speakers
The Part of His Story I Didn't Expect
Dravecky's story is remarkable.
After doctors discovered a cancerous tumor in his pitching arm, he underwent surgery and fought his way back to Major League Baseball. In 1989, he returned to the mound for the San Francisco Giants.
At the banquet, we watched footage of his comeback—and the devastating moment in his next start when his arm fractured while throwing a pitch. His career ended, and after continued battles with cancer, his arm was eventually amputated.
Yet the part of his story that stayed with me most wasn't about baseball.
It was about his marriage.
Dravecky spoke candidly about his journey as a husband, father, grandfather, and follower of Christ.
At one point, he shared that he eventually acknowledged to his wife that for approximately 30 years, he had been trying to fix her.
He also recognized ways his own behavior had affected their relationship. He described his wife as having a gift of mercy, yet came to recognize that their relational dynamic had made it harder for her to freely express that gift.
He apologized.
That's self-awareness.
What Is Mine to Own?
As a marriage and family therapist, I've encountered versions of this dynamic countless times.
People sometimes enter marriage counseling believing:
"If you can just get my spouse to change, we'll be okay."
But meaningful relational change often begins with a much harder question:
How am I contributing to what is happening between us?
During the Q&A, I thought about some of the younger men in the room, including student-athletes from the Fresno State baseball program.
So I asked Dravecky how we can help younger husbands and men learn these lessons earlier, so they don't spend 30 years trying to fix the person they love.
His response brought us back to identity.
Know who you are in Christ.
That stayed with me because identity changes the question from:
How do I get them to change?
to:
Who is God calling me to become?
The Serenity Prayer captures this tension beautifully:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
You cannot change another human being.
You can love, influence, communicate, establish healthy boundaries, forgive, apologize, and ask for help.
But you cannot do someone else's internal work.
You are responsible for yours.
Dravecky also shared that he and his wife sought marriage counseling despite criticism from others for doing so. They learned important life lessons through that experience.
Sometimes asking for help gives us the courage not merely to see another person differently, but to see ourselves more clearly.
Leadership Begins in the Mirror
Scripture reminds us:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
— 2 Corinthians 5:17
Knowing who we are in Christ doesn't eliminate relational challenges. It gives us a secure place from which to face them.
So perhaps the most important leadership question this week isn't:
Who needs to change?
It's:
What is mine to own?
Where do I need greater self-awareness?
Where might I need to apologize?
Who is God inviting me to become?
Whether we're leading a marriage, family, business, ministry, organization, or team, the starting point remains the same:
The person we have the greatest responsibility to lead is ourselves.
As we reflect on September 11, we are reminded how quickly life can change, and how important it is to be intentional with the people and relationships entrusted to us.
We cannot control every circumstance or every person around us. But we can choose how we show up.
This Week's Leadership Challenge
Think about one relationship where you're frustrated with someone else.
Before focusing on what they need to change, look in the mirror and ask:
What is mine to own?
Then take one faithful step.
Because healthy relationships don't begin with changing someone else.
They begin with having the courage to see ourselves clearly.
A Final Invitation
I'm grateful to the Fresno chapter of Christian Business Men's Connection (CBMC) for bringing people together through events like its annual Celebration Banquet & Fundraiser and for its ongoing commitment to connecting businessmen to one another and to Christ.
For those of you reading outside California, CBMC is a broader Christian ministry serving business and professional men through relationships centered on faith, leadership, and discipleship.
If you're a businessman in California's Central Valley—or you're simply interested in learning more about the work happening through Fresno CBMC—I encourage you to connect with them:
